Democracy Theme Parks & Subsidized Shag Pads

So its going to cost an estimated £29 million to repair Big Ben. Plus an eye watering £7 billion to refurbish the House of Lords and the House Commons. Fuck that says me. There must be better, more cost effective,  ways of running our democracy without having to pander to the whims of our coseted and greedy MPs. And there is!  My plan is to close down the Houses of Parliament and send the MPs  back to their constituencies.  They will then have  decent teleconference facilities and computing equipment installed at home or in their office,  and hey presto we have a virtual parliament, where debates, committee meeting  and voting all take place via webcams and computer screens which will be managed by civil servants.

True there might be the occasional need for  MPs to meet face to face but this could be done at one of the many  conference centres across the country and the MPs could be housed in BnBs. But for most of their working time MPs would be based in their constituencies. This would make them much more accessible to their electors. It would also save a fortune on second homes, expenses and subsidised eating and drinking. We could also get rid of the expensive medieval  pageantry surrounding parliamentary procedures such as state openings and all that unnecessary dressing up bollox in tights, wigs, frock coats and ermine robes.

OK I accept that the Houses of Parliament are a symbol of our  democratic tradition so I wouldn’t want  knock the place down. In fact I support spending £4 or £5 billion doing the old place up. But rather than let the MPs back into the building, let’s turn Parliament into a Disney style Democracy Experience theme park with an entry charge of  £20 or so. There would be a democracy museum, conducted tours and actors pretending to be famous parliamentarians and re-enacting historic debates.  You could even have videos and pictures taken of you striking a pose in the speakers chair or at the despatch box (for an extra charge). McDonald’s , Pizza Hut, and Starbucks could rent space for flagship outlets and there could be a Weatherspoons or two. Rooms could be rented out for weddings, corporate hospitality, parties and film production. The nearby Portcullis  House could be converted from MPs offices into a luxury “democracy experience” hotel with staff dressed in 17th century gear and lots of Black Rod and King and Queen look-alikes. The money generated by the Democracy Experience theme  park could be used to repay the refurbishment costs of Parliament and cover a lot of the costs of home-working MPs. So there you have it. A modern virtual parliament financially  supported by a Democracy Experience theme park. It’s a win-win. Unless of course you are greedy grasping fucker of a parliamentarian who thinks you have divine right to have a state funded London shag-pad, furnished by the taxpayer, and unlimited access to subsidized food and booze.